Empty

We had the cocoa puff soup again for breakfast, which was tasty. I also found out that it’s not actually cocoa, but rather it’s a hot soup made from ground corn, soy beans, ground nut, and spices. But it still tastes like hot cocoa soup with a smidge of peanut butter and a smidge of cayenne pepper. Mr. Koju Asafu caught us outside and explained that today was a holiday and there will be no school, thereby cancelling our plans to have a study session with the older primary school kids this afternoon. I was pleased for the unexpected break. The plan was for Mama to come over sometime around 9am to accompany us to the midwife’s home to conduct an interview, so from 7:30am when we finished breakfast, until Mama arrived around 10:15am, I read my book on the front step quite happily. It was around 10:40 when we were settled in the midwife’s compound. The interview went well enough; I had more specific questions for her as well regarding pregnancy and delivery in the village so it lasted an hour and a half or so. Two men sat nearby and constantly interrupted to give their two cents on every other question, which was distracting and not helpful. I was getting super annoyed but thought it best just to endure and learn from my mistake of having the interview so out in the open.

Afterward it was noon and Mama had to tend to her children, and Agnes Asafu was ready for her interview. We conducted Agnes’ interview in Mama’s house in one of the rooms away from the children and other distractions. It was quick, only 40 minutes and went very well. At 2:45pm she brought us rice and pavlava sauce, which is a green sauce made with spinach, onion, egg, and some palm oil. From 3-6pm I continued to read my book, without really wanting to conduct any more interviews for the day, and pleased we got out of the Primary 4-6 classes today.

I don’t really know how to explain how I’m feeling today. I guess discouraged, or an indifferent existence would be appropriate terms. I have no real indication that anyone is reading this, so I’m going to speak freely. Some contact that I had expected from home that had not arrived yesterday when I checked my email in Ho made things seem insignificant. Things at home are going on as usual, probably without anyone caring all that much that I’m not there. Things stay the same, no matter if I exist or not. Similarly, things stay the same here in the village, whether I try or not. I really wanted to prove all those skeptics wrong; I wanted to prove that small projects do work well, and all you need is a little faith, and a push in the right direction… I am feeling deflated, defeated, and helpless. Maybe those people are right. What am I doing here anyway? The library is built, but it’s not being used, and no one seems to care enough to even say, “this isn’t right, we should be using the library, let’s think of a way to fix this.” There’s just nothing. You can afford to send two children to Senior School, but because you can’t send everyone, you decide to send no one. Sensibility is absent, along with hope. Today at least, I feel numb. I’m not even upset that I hadn’t gotten many responses from home… I did get a quick note from my mom and my dad, a couple comments on the blog from my dad, brother, and Mike. I guess I just expected something more from a few other people, but when there was nothing, I wasn’t upset, just numb. Even when I think about going home in a few weeks, I don’t even want to go out and see people. Why does it matter if clearly keeping in touch with me isn’t that important to them, clearly isn’t on their mind? I’m here, with Samantha, and really our company is Mama and Kosi. Kosi visits every night to read quietly with us. Mama is like our best friend—the only one who cares to spend time with us, just to hang out and joke with each other. I know more about her than anyone else, and truly feel a companionship with her. I don’t know what’s going on at home, but life goes on without me just fine I’ve realized. And here… well, things here continue as they are, without real improvement, which is tearing at my heart, especially when the community does nothing to help themselves. What am I doing? Why are things happening this way?

We ate leftover rice and pavlava sauce for dinner, though it had still been sitting out all afternoon and was now cool in temperature. It wasn’t bad, and I ate a small bit, but I’m still a little hungry. My stomach technically is not uneasy tonight, however there is the strong stench of trash and sewage somehow seeping through our window… next to my bed. I hadn’t smelt it before, so I’m wondering why it has surfaced now, but I really hope I can ignore it when I sleep, otherwise I may vomit. I’m exhausted, goodnight.